Life In Quarantine - In Yer Ear!

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Jul 31 '20 | By David Orwig | Views: 73 | Comments: 1

So... yesterday was interesting. My face on the right side is swollen...I have one ear that is jutting out like a flappy wing on a 747. If Dumbo walked into the room right now, he would be like "goddamn, dude... your ear is muthafuckin' HUGE!! You could fly in right angled circles better than *I* can!" I'm deaf in that ear... the pain is crazy intense...my balance is off, I'm dizzy and I wanna barf. So... my buddy Art Capo ...drove me to Urgent Care... who told me "this isn't anything oral meds can help... you need an IV and you need to get to an ER for a cat scan, this might be in the bone at the base of your skull". Well... fuck. So I told Art "As far as Sharon is concerned, I'm fine... it'll go away... like magic.. all I need is a Republican cover-up and a Hydroxychloroquine Enema. I'm NOT goin' to no fuckin' hospital!"... and I swore him to secrecy. He tried to protest but I told him he better comply because I had nude pictures of him with a dancing circus clown from 1993... and he said "Dude... that's unfair... I was drinking heavily and it was just a Summer thing! I WAS GOING THROUGH A PHASE!!". Nevertheless... I'm a ruthless bastard. And I know this because I never met ANYBODY in my whole life named "Ruth"!. So he drove me home... and Sharon asked "How'd it go!?" before i even hobbled through the door. So I headed for the bedroom and said "Oh it's great honey no meds are needed... it'll be fine in a couple of days... goin to bed, GOODNIGHT!!!". I never could lie to her face. SHE KNOWS. I mean... she has "Bullshit Radar" so... when you lie... NEVER look into her eyes... because she'll melt your internal organs and you'll die instantly. Jump ahead 4 hours... it's 1:30 in the morning... I wake up... tears running down my face... and I hear the words of the doctor ringing in my good ear: "You could go deaf in that ear permanently, and if it permeates to the bone.. you could die" and I thought "well.. I can't take care of Sharon if I'm dead...and the whole reason I'm staying home, apart from the fact that I'm a chickenshit who hates doctors... was because I didn't want to leave her because she's really still unwell."
So I said to Sharon, sitting up in bed next to me "I lied to you". and she had this look of "Well, no shit, what a fuckin' shocker"... on her face. And she was like "Get. your. ass. outta. bed. YOU. ARE. GOING. right. now." Well, I wasn't about to be bossed around by MY wife. I'm one of those guys that has testicles of steel, bro! I dug in... I'm the man! I wear the pants, goddammit!. I held my ground, boyyy... lemme tell ya! Ain't no chick from the Bronx gonna tell ME what to do! So I looked her RIGHT IN THE EYE... and I said to her... "okayyyyy, honey. Right away... I'm getting dressed.... I love youuuuuu".

So I spent the night in the ER with an IV in my arm, today my ear is STILL throbbing, I'm deaf as shit... the pain goes up my head and down into my jaw... but I was awake to open the door for her visiting nurse an hour ago...and I even wore pants, So I declare victory. Dumbo would be proud. Goin back to bed. Laterz...

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