Is it just me… or…

And it’s that time again for me.  I seem to take more breaks from Facebook than actually spending time there.  Usually it’s 2 days or so… sometimes it’s been as long as 3 weeks.  I always feel the need to announce my departure, much to the annoyance of some; but the truth is, for some inexplicable reason, people worry when I disappear.  Also, (and this is annoying to me)… the ones that seems so concerned, never track me back to this site, or the blog.  They could easily check it, but, they would rather me make a general “Departure At Gate 17” announcement before I take off and fly the friendlier skies.

This is a safe haven for me. Nobody fucks with me here. It’s not that I can’t take it, mind you. I can. I even dish it back. But when I start doing that… I feel like shit… because it’s part of a past that I don’t care for.  Everything I ever had to do to keep me safe or to get basic needs met when i was growing up… involved being a little dick. It’s a learned behavior as well. I was bullied mercilessly… and after getting my ass beat time and time again for being “different”… I had to learn to return fire or be eaten alive. That is, by no means, a justification. I was wrong then, and sometimes I forget myself and am still wrong for the occasional verbal discord. In the 80’s… there was no such thing as Aspergers, or Autism Spectrum Disorders. If you were rocking in a corner or very obviously impaired, you had Autism. If you were mildly impaired… well, then surely you suffered from ADHD or bipolar or some other such ailment.  When I finally got properly diagnosed… I was 39 years old… my behaviors were so firmly ingrained that I felt like I had just been fucked by a speeding train.  How do you reverse years of this shit, plus the effects of abuse/neglect/PTSD/Anxiety, which almost ALWAYS comes along with the Aspergers for the ride?  I have defense mechanisms for my defense mechanisms’ defense mechanisms!  So let me just say that when I leave Facebook for a vacation… it’s not because I’m disgusted by others who toss hate speech at me, and think they can relentlessly dish out mounds of emotional abuse… I’m disgusted that I can play that game too, and very well, I might add. That’s not “bragging” in the least. That’s just me taking a painful inventory of my own bullshit.  I don’t want to be like them.  I don’t want to copy their behavior… envy their seemingly superior personalities. My flaws… or should I say: “what others define as a flaw in my character due to being on the spectrum”… are the things that I happen to value the most in myself, and I don’t ever want to lose the very things that make me human.  In other words… to kick my ego into overdrive for just one fleeting moment: I really AM better than you, motherfucker. And that needs no defense.

So, lets talk about the disintegration of the adult human character for a minute, shall we?  In the past 48 hours… I have been “Fat Shamed” 2 times by two different people… I’ve been called a Democrat Pedophile… (Yeah… NOT kidding!!) …been told I must be into that because surely no woman would ever love me… and on and on and on. Incredibly cruel strangers and, some who I thought were my friends. It’s an interesting dynamic if you examine it closely for what it really is.  The Internet is full of cowardly people… and I’m not just referring to the average troll… but people that are fucking angry out of their minds and begging to seek out a new victim to channel it. It’s gone beyond the average, occasional prick. The world is getting sicker. It’s getting more emboldened by hate speech.  Their examples are a president who sends troops of armed men to Democratic-controlled states, just to push people around… they see the hate that is inside them through the eyes of a very public evil… and they feel justified for all the feelings they’ve been told to control for years, and sometimes through generational conditioning.  It’s like they’re having a “coming out” party… because now, there’s others who tell them “hey, it’s okay to fuck with the disabled, the weak, the different, people of color, people who don’t love as you do… people who only seek peaceful co-existence and equality.  It’s a sick fucking world. And it can break you. It can make you sick, too. It can consume you… it can eat you up inside and out… and it hurts.  If you let it.

Honestly… I don’t give an ounce of flying monkey spunk about being fat-shamed. Hey… check it out… I’m fat! I don’t care that I’m fat.  I used to be thin. Too thin, at one point. Then I realized that I could eat when I want… what I want… not wait for table scraps in a group home to just keep me going. So… being fat… is basically, “I have food… I enjoy food… and I don’t have to be something I’m not just to meet your approval, bitch”. You wanna starve yourself to be accepted in this vain, bullshit culture… hey, go for it. Count your calories. Have fun.  But you’re a sheep. And fuck you very much, because, I’m not.  If I drop dead of a heart attack right now… I’ll have a slice of pepperoni in my mouth and a HUGE fucking smile on my face. That’s my right. So, fat-shame me… like a 12 year old. Whatever. I don’t give a fuck about being called a Democratic Pedophile, either. Because… that’s fucking crazy, cruel shit that YOU have to own… not me.

The social dynamic on places like Facebook… is decidedly antisocial. If you’re one of those people who scout for a new target every day … you have the problem.  If I react and hand you your ass, even when you deserve it… then *I* have the problem. Today, I have the problem. It’s on me. And unlike YOU, Mr. or Ms. Douchebag, I have to take responsibility for it. Recognizing my limits and my social impairments… is my job… and not because I’m aspy, either. Because that’s what makes me an adult and a human being. If you can’t say the same thing… then you should be more worried about your own impairments. Because David is doing just fine as long as he can step back and learn and grow with his.  As for my Facebook friends… you can find me here. Or.. I’ll see ya when I see ya.  Gotta go… the wife needs some dinner… and it’s “Sloppy Joe Night” in the Edwards/Orwig household.