The older I get, the more I look backwards. I don't mind being almost 57... because of how I've dealt with 47, 37, 27, 17...etc. I think my friends from Pittsburgh viewed me as "weak" because I was different... before the name "autism spectrum" was a thing. In the last year I've decided I'm not ashamed enough to be a quiet spectator in the background of my life... so I've begun speaking up about it. And I have to say, whether I lose friends over it or not, particularly here.... I've come to the point where I don't give a rat's ass. Let me be blunt: I'm stronger than ANY of my asshole buddies from the North Hills of Hell, Pittsburgh have ever been. After my grandmother died... I found myself with a mother who didn't give a fuck... her abusive boyfriend who would wake me up to the sound of him pounding on my door with a rubber mallet, screaming "get your ass out here, you little faggot!" while mom stood by and did nothing... a portable TV being tossed across the room when angered. Caseworkers did nothing. Friends did nothing. Finally I was removed from my home... and spent years in lockdown facilities (as if I was the criminal)... group homes... in the worst parts of slums. I've defended myself or endured the anger and wrath of the worst of people... I slept with one eye open. All this... while my mother made a sweet life for herself and her partner (who she carried the weight of, since he was 'too disabled to work'). I fought for EVERY fucking thing I got... even food. I've been homeless. I've had girlfriends and ex's I don't even want to talk about here... I've seen the depths of how cruel mankind/womankind can be to another human being. And all the while... I was the one being judged as "different". Fuck yeah I'm different. I'm PROUDLY fucking different! When I say I'm better than you... it's not because I have a huge ego. It's because... I'll OUT-endure ANY of your petty, so-called "struggles" ANY goddamned day of the week. To my old buddies from West View: Was life tough for you because daddy wasn't around or mommy made you cut the grass before you got the keys to the car? While you were talking shit behind MY back... I was in the full-time business of SURVIVING... and I really SHOULD have kicked your snivelling little asses instead of being afraid I might lose a friend. Let's be clear: I'm wise enough to know now that we were never friends... and equally wise enough to know as I look back that you never earned it... you never REALLY broke a fucking sweat in your entire pampered little lives. Different, indeed. Better than MOST? You bet your fucking ass I am. My name is "David"... And I am NOT ASHAMED, losers.
Sponsored by the Spectrum Kings Foundation and this station... Now back to Gilligan's Island.

Someone asked me once: "Well... HOW autistic are you?"... which I took for another one of those "you don't LOOK autistic" moments. To be absolutely clear: It ain't nuthin' but a SPECTRUM thang, yo. I don't flippy-flap my hands or eat Lego's... for the love of Christ! But she continued: "You isolate. You never wanna go anywhere or do anything". Yeah. True... but don't assign meaning to that. It's a binary choice.. 1's or 0's. Do I HAVE anyplace I need to be? NO. Do I feel the NEED to socialize? Oh FUCK no. WHY? Because people suck. They annoy me. Do I wanna go out at times? YES. ALONE! To places with trees. Ponds, maybe. Horses, cows, cats, squirrels... ANYTHING that won't superficially BORE the fucking piss outta me with small talk about the weather or shoes or "the best party I've ever been too" or "let me tell you about my problems with my boyfriend" bullshit that goes ON AND ONNN AND ONNNNNNN until I wanna blow my fucking head off and splatter my friend with my own brain matter, ruining her new shoes that I now know HOURS of bullshit information about because bitch won't shut the fuck UP about them! When I wanna go out... I go where there's NOBODY for miles... so quiet that I can hear a dog fart two counties away. The recurring theme is: LEAVE. ME. ALONE. If you do that... then YES... I would LOVE to go socialize alone with squirrels and M&M's. Why is that so difficult for you to understand, y'all?

I hate sleepless nights.